Monday, March 10, 2014

Momma, Please..Momma!

When you are so tired that you can barely keep your eyelids open and you look at the clock at its only 2:30 in the afternoon. All you want is a nap and maybe a little peace and quiet but yet you get 12 hours of your name being called every 5 minutes over this and that. You are worn down to a nub. You have been up since 4 am thanks to a child with SPD and the inability to go back to sleep..

"Momma, please.. Momma?"

Momma is tired. Momma is worn down.

 I haven't stopped since the day you were born. I have made sure that you are comfortable. That you are taken care of. Every night when I kiss you goodnight, I make sure that one by one everyone who is important for you to find slumber are comfortable. I re assure you that this house is protected by a force field that Daddy put up before he left, so that the monsters are kept at bay. I make sure that when I tuck you in, under the many blankets, that you are warm.I read you the same book we always read every single night pretty much since you came into this world.  I make sure the night light is on, so when you get startled in the night its there to comfort you.  I make sure you know that you are loved by many. And I bid you Goodnight.

You might think that once you begin your journey off to the land of magical school buses, unicorns and the Toy Story gang, that my day is done. I wish it was. I sit for the five minutes of quiet to collect my thoughts, then I begin my task of making sure your reality is a better one. I sit and worry about what is coming next. What is going to be on your path. I worry about tomorrow, I worry about next week and I worry about years from now. I do this because I am your parent. Its what I do. I make sure that life will be as smooth as I can make it for you. I make sure that I am prepared for what ever fight I need to fight for you, just so you have a champion in your corner.

You might think that once my head hits my pillow, my mind goes to sleep. It doesn't. All those worries and fears manifest into this beast. All those what ifs and should have, could have and would haves eat away at me. I worry if what I am doing isn't enough. Maybe I should be doing more.I worry about how I can make this world right for you. I worry that I can't always be there for when you need someone. I worry that if I don't push you hard enough that you will not learn the task in front of you.I worry about the day that will come when you don't need me anymore. Not because I don't think you will survive, but I worry that I won't survive. As you have been my job since you were a thought in my head.

I will awake when you do. When it is 4 am or later. I will soothe your bad dreams away. I will calm you when you need it. I will take all of your worries away, so you don't lose sleep.

"Momma, please Momma!"

Momma is tired. Momma is worn down, but I will do what you ask of me. Child, I will put away my tiredness. I will put my worries on hold, if you wanting me to join you in your happiness, I will do so. As you are my child, my world, and your happiness is number one before my tiredness. And for that I love you.