Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I struggle.

I struggle.

When I get up in the morning. I struggle. Trying to lift my eye lids up to meet the morning light. Trying to find the energy to raise my head off the pillow. I struggle.

When the kids don't want to listen to the things I tell them. " Please get dressed" Or " I need you to be ready to go" I struggle.

When I am standing in the freezing cold waiting for a bus, trying to keep my autistic son from bolting  into traffic, while people drive by and watch this spectacle. I struggle.

When I am trying to get on with my daily life, go to the gym, loose the weight, pick up this and pick up that. I struggle.

When I am trying to get my child into a car seat he simply does not want to go into, screaming all the way. Noticing the curious eyes from behind a curtains. Taking note. I struggle.

When my son screeches in delight over watching a train go around the cheese section a bizillion times and then getting angry when we have to leave. Watching people stare and whisper. I struggle.

When my children who try so hard, still have defeat. Trying to boost their spirits. I struggle.

When I am sitting in Doctor Appointments and Teacher Conferences. Listening to what needs to be done in order for my autistic children to survive. I struggle

When I am trying so hard to keep it together, while the Autism and ADHD gang up on my sanity. I struggle. 

When I have to say goodbye to my spouse for a long period of time. Trying so desperately to be strong for my children. Trying to ignore the whispers. I struggle.

When I have a day where the world has fallen apart at my feet. Trying to convince myself it could be worse. I struggle.

When I am trying to guard myself from those who don't have the best interests at heart. I struggle. 

When I am trying to come up for air and keep everyone afloat. I struggle.

When I am trying to do my best with what I got. I struggle.

 There are days where I struggle just to get by. 

There are days where I am able to keep my struggle in check and days where I cannot.