Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Fighting the Demons Within

Before I even say a word, I am going to point out that everyone has their own demons to fight. It doesn't matter were you are in your life, we all have our own separate demons that we battle in our way.

Some could look at me and see a fairly optimistic person, who is cheerful, always smiling and generally happy person, but in reality, I am dying inside. Behind that person I present to the world, is a person who is fragile, anxious, nervous, scatterbrained, depressed person.Being as that is who I am on the inside it sometimes is hard for me to break through those barriers to try to present myself as that person that everyone sees.

I am not going to lie to myself or others out there who are fighting their own demons, that depression is a scapegoat to how I or they feel when faced with an epic case of the blues. Nor is it something that people should ridicule with idiot questions like " Oh they will snap out of it.. " or "What do you have to be depressed about?" For those of us who do have clinical  depression, trying to explain to people the why and the hows of a mental illness gets tedious. Like everything else going on in our lives, we own no one an explanation. Depression is that demon that everyone deal with differently. What could work for one person, isn't going to work with another.. " Oh just go on antidepressants for awhile, till your mood lightens up..." It doesn't work that way. Most people think that medication is an easy fix. Its not. It helps, sure, but it isn't always the answer. People don't get that its a combination of things. Like going to therapy and taking medication. Trying to sort out what is going on inside your head sometimes is the biggest demon of all and with that battle you need help.

I am going to get candid for a moment about my own struggle with my own demons. On the outside, I seem a pretty happy person. I enjoy the company of others, I like to help when I can and I can have a good laugh, but on the inside, I have all these worries and emotions that dig at me, and while I try my best to keep those at bay, there are times where I can't seem to keep those demons off my back. I am not afraid to admit that I medicate and that I go to therapy. Two things that have helped, but even with those two very important things, I still have my days, where I would like to sink into my dark cave. For those who don't understand what it is like, here is the best way I can describe it. Imagine if you will, being stuck, no matter how much you try, you aren't going anywhere, but far off into the distance you see where the light is at the end of the tunnel. You struggle so much to get moving towards that light, but it is a very slow process. Sometimes there is things that help you move a little faster and then it either stops or slows down. But your goal is to try to get to that light source, which is your happiness. This is my battle.

What I hate is the misconception that mental health is not considered a priority to most. It is considered weak to admit that you might be depressed, anxious or stressed out. It is considered an invisible ailment. One of the reasons I write is to try and get my thoughts in order, but it is also a way to bring to light a problem that most of the population suffers from, but yet won't get help for, thanks to all those misconceptions.

I know that sometimes it is difficult to admit that you might need help. Whether or not it is medication, therapy or both. I know that look on people's faces when you say you are in therapy or you mention you are on medication. "They must being nuts, or off their rocker" I get it. But for those times you feel stuck and are battling those demons alone, know that you don't have to do it alone.

One thing to be said is that, I am ok with my mental state. Its not perfect and it needs constant work. I admit that yes, I do medicate and I do go to therapy, clearly I am trying to take care of myself and there is no shame in that.

For all those who want to dispel what depression is like, consider this, your feet are stuck in a spot, for which you cannot move and what you want in life is a few feet ahead of you all while trying to deal with those demons life throws at you, try and get it. I dare you and without help, you aren't going to get what you want. Depression is just like that. Being stuck in your own mind and trying desperately to move forward when you can't.

For those who are truly in need of help, please get help.