Wednesday, December 7, 2016

On Melancholy Hill.

I write this more of myself, but if people can relate to it, then awesome.

 I try to be as open as I can about the struggles that I have, knowing that there are others out there who are worse off than I. Maybe because I am an empathetic person that I don't see my own issues as bad as others, that I try to escape mine to try and help someone else. I don't know, but I know that it is time that I sat down an really looked at myself. Sometimes trying to escape yourself isn't always the best.

For those who have been following me since I started writing, know that I struggle with depression and it's friend anxiety. I am a medicated person and a person that does therapy on a regular basis. I have never been ashamed to tell people that. Most people negate Mental illness as something that should be shamed or hidden or that it is a sign of weakness. That stigma really needs to go away.

I am not going to lie and not say that 2016 has been a tough one, because it has. Honest to god truth. For me it has been a struggle just to come up for air. It doesn't matter how much medication has been given me or the hours logged in at a therapist's office or even the amount of fresh air I intake to the music I listen to. Right now I have found myself on top of Melancholy Hill. Every once in a while, I try to climb down, only to climb back up and sit back down.

Life with special needs children has always presented itself with challenges, but it's when even those challenges look easy compared to what life throws at you. This past year has tested me in more ways then I would like to admit. The tail end of this year, honestly I could have done without. So many painful situations that I don't think anyone should have to be put in. Especially when it involves family members. As much as I try to plaster a smile on my face and carry on that everything is honky dory, the truth is I am dying inside. So many times I would love to just to have a moment and let it all out, so there are no misconceptions, no judgement, just acceptance of a person going through something painful.Not giving a fuck about what the outside world thinks.  Maybe I need that in order to heal. I can't do that as I don't know what the implications of that would do to people I love. In time, maybe I can do that, but not right now. I can talk about some stuff with people who are safe. The ones who understand, that don't judge. But even with that those people, it is sometimes hard to fully take the guard down.

 I know this year is far from being done and that the fight is far from over. It has opened up wounds that were just barely stitched to begin with. I am slowly and painfully trying to stitch them back up as best I can.

I will state that I don't write for sympathy or attention. I write because it is an outlet for me. Sometimes getting thoughts down, helps me process things. I write also, to encourage others who are struggling, maybe with the same things as me or similar, that its ok to feel the way you do. We all visit Melancholy Hill. Sometimes we stay longer than we want to admit, but in the end hopefully the climbing down will not be stressful and daunting. Sometimes we need someone to encourage you to take that first step down and sometimes it takes us a couple of tries to do that. My hope is that if you are going through something painful, know that you are not the only one. You are loved and you are supported, no matter how tall the ladder down is.