Thursday, October 24, 2013

Haven't been around much..

I haven't been around much. I know. Life has a way of keeping me on my toes. It seems that every time I get a chance to catch my breath, I am running again and out of breath again. Life never seems dull when spouses are deployed and when Autism and ADHD tag team you like an amateur wrestling match. But it's times like these where I learn more about myself. Sadly its more like how much can I be pushed until I break.

I have come to the realization that sometimes enduring bad situations can help you discover things about yourself. And help you overome the hardships. With each deployment my spouse has been on, I have been forever rediscovering a new aspect of myself. Growing from whatever life has thrown at me. Whether it be dealing with diagnoses of family members or the ever changing relationships with people. Sometimes it isn't always a positive thing.

Sometimes I feel like it's this "Ah-ha" moment where the light bulb gets turned on. And I ask myself why on earth I am staying this situation when it has a negative connation to it.

Lately I have been dealing with people who have these insecurities with themselves that they have to try and bring me down with them. I have gotten to the point, where I just don't care anymore. I would rather protect my sanity rather than endure the pettiness and nastiness of others. So I have become more guarded. Finding out who I can trust and who I can't. 

It seems that the daily grind is wearing me out. I am finding it hard to separate myself three ways. It seems that once I have one child set,the other two are in need. It is a rare occasion when all three are in sync. At the end of the day, I can barely function. But I stretch myself thin to accommodate. As that is how I roll. There are days where I impress myself getting through a day with very little sleep and having not killed someone in the process.

I have had to take a step back. Some have understood, some haven't. But to the ones that have seen me at my worst and still held on, they are worth their weight in gold. I am sorry that I have not been around lately. But I have had to dig deep down and find myself again. I want to feel happy again. I  needed to see that I could be that again,despite all that is happening around me. Yeah is my spouse still deployed and autism and ADHD alive and well in this house, but I am starting to find the daily little joys that keep me smiling through the hard times.

Thank you to those who have stuck with me and that have respected why I have had to do this. I am glad that I have taken a step back. It's made me learn to slow down. Process things better. Not put myself into situations that are going to hurt. I am a better person for it. And I finally feel like I can catch my breath.