The very tip of the Iceberg. Just barely scraping the surface

We all know the anatomy of an Iceberg thanks in part to the Titanic. Where you have this beautiful, floating body, just slightly skimming across the surface of icy, cold waters. What you really miss, is the body of the iceberg that is below the surface. It is this massive portion to that majestic ice castle above. No one ever sees the fully epic grand scale of an Iceberg. They just see what is on the surface.

Humans are much like those floating majestic ice palaces. We seem to have this way about us, where we present ourselves with a facade, much like an iceberg. Not saying we all have an icy way about us, but beneath our forced smiles or seemingly healthy nature, we have our own epic mass that is hidden. Who we are and what makes us, well us, is much like that convoluted, hidden portion of iceberg. The complexity of it can be the same. Uncharted, unexplored but yet it can be a dangerous place.

When we look at each other, we only see the surface of that person. That marginal tip that is exposed for the world to see. Its when you start to take a closer look at someone, that's when you start to realize the complexity of that person. You get know who that person is, besides what is just on the surface. You begin to understand what makes them, them. There are so many times where people are misjudged, as other have only seen what is on the surface. These assumptions are very dangerous and harmful, just like the sharp edge of an icy shelf.

When you see someone, don't always assume that they have their life put together. Don't assume that just because they are able to walk down the street, that things are happy or that they aren't in pain. Everyone, and I mean everyone has their own icy shelf beneath the surface. Doesn't matter if it is visible or not.

Like the Titanic, people assume that their judgments are valid and sound, when in fact its always the opposite. You may not realize until its too late, that you have just barely scraped the surface to someone's nature. Think about your words. Maybe that harsh criticism to the parent in the store about their child misbehaving, is you not knowing that child has Autism.Or maybe insensitive remarks about how you wish your partner would just go away are said to a military spouse who's significant other is deployed. Or maybe that look you give someone who has a disfigurement, you don't know is a War Veteran. Sometimes you can just look at someone and not know they have an invisible illness, that prevents them from doing certain things or that cause them great pain with inside their bodies.

When you are out in the world, take a good look at people. Open your mind to the possibility that the people around you, only give you a portion of who they are.

Much like an Iceberg, most of us are only scraping the surface.

Of Course it needs to be fixed, He is deployed. A Military Wife's tool box.

I am not the type of person that can sit back and twiddle my thumbs when there is a job to be done. I guess that is one of the reasons why I suit the military spouse lifestyle so much. It seems to me that every single time he goes out, the house, car and every appliance with their 7 year warranty that has just expired has all of a sudden either stops working, breaks or falls apart.  It never fails. Now I am pretty handy when it comes to the toolbox. I know the difference between flat head screwdrivers and a phillip head screwdriver. I was fortunate enough to have a father that taught me that painting and fixing things isn't just a skill set for boys.

From the time I could remember, my father was always including me with home repair projects. Whether it was teaching me at an early age to hammer a nail in correctly or to never overload your paint brush when you are painting. Even to this day, he still teaches me how to do things. And because of that my "Woe is Me" mentality goes down a notch. I don't have to worry if the toilet explodes or if there is a hole in the wall, thanks to a certain over zealous four year old.

I fear that girls and young women aren't learning how to get things done or even know their way around a hardware store. For us military wives, (sorry military husbands, but most of you know terms like PVC, particle board, and what a caulking gun does and could do home repairs because you are most likely taught..), unless we had some one teach us, we are kinda left out in the dark, literally, when something happens to the house and our spouse has been deployed. We can either hire someone(which is expensive) to come fix it or throw ourselves at the mercy of neighbours to come help you figure something out. So what are we supposed to do? Educate ourselves!

If it is one thing I have learned in the 12 years of marriage, where most of it was spent not having a spouse around, is to learn how to do simple things. Like using a drill correctly. Or knowing what kind of paint goes on the outside of the house as oppose to the inside of the house. Besides picking my father's brain every single time something falls off the ceiling, I have discovered YouTube has a vast amount of DIY videos. Stemming from how to replace your toilet wax ring to how to find your GFI sockets in your house( those are important to know, in case half your house doesn't have power!). Type in whatever project you doing, and yeah there will be a video with step by step instructions on how to do it. Another good resource is the Men and Women who work in our hardware stores. These people are awesome. I can't tell you how many times I have walked in and asked, "Hey, I am currently trying to fix X, Y and Z, where can I find the materials I need." and 9 times out of 10 they will be happy to help you as they would like to see you back for your next project.

So gone are those days when we used to live in the house falling apart around us as we wait till the spouse comes home or paying out too much money for an overpriced contractor. We, the Wives need to show that we can get stuff done when the men are away. They don't need to worry that they will be coming home to rubble. So take charge, you can get your hands a little dirty( I just ruined a perfectly good manicure putting up a bay window :) ), and being able to say... " I got this!"

I thought I might include what every Military Wife should have in their tool box:

Hammer, one big and one small
Screwdrivers with interchangeable bits
Box cutter and a craft knife
a small scraper
Long nosed Pliers
An adjustable wrench
An Allen wrench
a yard ruler and tape measure
Nail and Screw Packs
A level
Duct tape
Electrical tape
A staple gun
A tub of Polyfill (the type that turn colour when it dries.)

This isn't just for us military wives..but for anyone that would benefit from it.  Everyone should have some sort of basic tool box. Of course there will be projects that will require help and if you think the project is too big for you to do by yourself, Please ask for help or contact someone who can. The last thing I would want to happen is someone trying to re do their roof and say.. " Well that crazy lady who writes over at Spouse, Kids and Special Needs..said I could do it!!!" Always, always use common sense and safety is always first!!

Do Us a favor, please don't feel sorry for us..

Dear Everyday Person,

I know what you are thinking when you see my children out in public.I see your stares and hear your whispered voices when you see my children get excited and stim or when they are over stimulated and just can't control themselves. And I know that in your heart you are not trying to be mean. That its just different and its not what you are used to seeing when you look at children. And those whispered voices, I would like to think that it is just you trying to process what you are seeing. We see the pity in your eyes and the concern in your voice. Please Stop.

Please stop feeling sorry for us. We don't want pity. We don't want to hear " I don't know how you manage"or "I don't know how you do it". We do it, because we must. There is no other option for us. Its called being a parent. And a good percentage of parents out there would do anything for their kids. Does it seem a bit trying at times? Yes. But again that is parenthood. Even the best of kids, have their days where they seem a bit out of sorts. Autistic Children are no different. Yes it does seem that the noise, bright lights and the hustle and bustle of everyday seem to ignite our children, but its not out of fear or discontent. Its how they feel, hear and see this world. So that concern that you have that we might not be good parents to our children because we let them just be them is for not. The best thing you can do for us is just accept our children.

When you see us out and about, do us a favor. Accept us as a part of society. Don't shun us or be sad for us. Pity is not what we want. Acceptance. Love our children the way we would yours. Accept our children as we would yours. Just because our children look at the world from a different angle, doesn't make them any less a child.

Take the time to notice how beautiful our children are. Look past the stimming. Look past what makes them different in your eyes. See that they are just as every inch awesome as the next child. Our children deserve to know they are loved and accepted just as yours are. Be that person who lets a Special Needs Parent that their child has lovely eyes or beautiful smile. That is what makes our day. Knowing that someone accepts our child for what they are, a child.

Yours Very Respectfully,

A Special Needs Parent.

Drawn to the Majestic Waters...

By now its not a big secret that the vast majority of  Autistic children are drawn to water. From the smallest of puddles to those vast open bodies of water. There is something that water has that is so appealing. The way it moves or the way it reflects the world or maybe its the calmness of it, that settles even the most active brain. But to those who are drawn to it, it can also be this very majestic prison. 

We lost another young life this week to that wet grave. Each time we loose a child to water, it heightens our need to always protect and guard our own. Before anyone says that a parent who has lost a child to drowning is a bad parent, needs to see what we all go through when it comes to making sure our children are safe. The thing is people often forget that an Autistic child is smart. They forget that just because a person is non verbal or appears to be within themselves that they don't understand how things like doors or locks work. Most of the time we hear that the parent states they have their house locked up tighter than Fort Knox, but yet the child still manages to get out.

For me, I have three children, who all love water. Especially my two that are on the spectrum. We go to the pool almost every day. As soon as I open the gate to the kid's pool, my four year old is already in the pool. Like a fish, water is his world. As I watch him float, as that is his favorite thing to do, I am still on my guard. Watching him be at peace for a moment in this little boy's life. It is the only time he is not a spinning top. But as I stand over him, I wonder if this is some sort of nirvana for him. If the water for him is when he can rest his racing movements and thoughts. I am left wondering if this is why so many autistics are drawn to the majestic waters. For some piece of mind.

Its too bad that places like the YMCA or local swimming pools don't offer swim lessons specially for children with autism. Teach them how to float properly or how to stay afloat. Now I get that teaching someone with autism has it's challenges, but we have already proven that they are smart and that they retain information. Is it going to take some extra care and time? Sure. But if you are a person like most of the teachers in these children's lives, it is worth it. If you are a swim instructor who wants to try and make the world a better place, than this might be for you. I know that there are programs out there, but you have to do a serious searching to find them. I know organizations like Autism Speaks and the National Autism Association have their own campaigns to raise awareness about children with autism and water. But what if they could sponsor some swim lessons at pool or maybe help train people who could teach autistic children to swim.

In the span of a couple of weeks, I have managed to teach my little fish how to float on his back like a star fish. It took time and patience, but we did it. It doesn't take much. I just didn't want my child to become yet another statistic.

The Fighter within us .

If you had asked me couple of years ago if I was a fighter for anything in my life, I would have laughed. I am a person who avoids conflict like the plaque. So the idea of fighting for anything was a foreign concept.  But over the years things have changed. Things in my own life that have forced me to want to fight as well as things going on in the world. For me though, I don't consider myself a fighter, but more of an Advocate. I bet that you didn't know that as parents, the minute we become parents, is when we start being an advocate. We are the voice for our children. In every aspect of their lives. When you walk into a doctors offices, when you are sitting in your child's classroom for a parent/teacher conference. Whenever there is a time that you have to be the voice for your child, you are advocating for them. It doesn't take much. I know there is this stigma that surrounds Special Needs Parenting. We are portrayed as these angry, loud and obnoxious people who are constantly fighting all the time. Whenever I am faced with someone who has that misconception, I always ask, regardless, if your child was special needs, would you do everything in your power to make sure they grow and prosper? And the answer is always yes. Most don't realize that they advocate for their neuro typical child every single day, just like the special needs parents do. The cause is just different. Parenting is just one thing that most of us can identify with. Why? Well we all have children. But each of us have things going in our lives that we think are right and wrong. Often times we are fighting just to have our voices heard. There is a reason why I fight hard for certain things. I want my children to grow up in a world thinking they can achieve anything through good, honest hard work. I want them to grow up knowing that it doesn't matter what you have or how you got to your destination, that people are going to accept you as a human being. As that is what they are. I fight for the rights of people who don't have a voice. For me there are so many things in this life that has been given to me, that are worth while.My children, my lifestyle, family and friends.. the list goes on. So when I look back at the person I was 10 or 15 years ago, who was the meek, mousy person. I laugh. That person would have never thought in a million years that they would be fighting for the rights of others, let alone advocating for those who need a voice. Think about it.  We all fight for something in our lives. Our Children, religious freedoms, civil rights, oppression, racism. What ever it is in your life, you will tap into that fighter within you, even when you don't think it is in you to begin with.

The Autistic Deployment.

I write about a lot about military or autism, as those are the two main components to my life. Every day those two things intertwine. I can't have one without the other. It is just my way of life. A very chaotic life. I know that I am not alone, trying to muddle through this lifestyle. Which is one of the reasons why I write.

 I sit here in my sleep deprived state, watching my children, who have been up since o'dark thirty, just how does this lifestyle work for them. For us adults, we process things differently then children. Autistic or not, children see the world differently. For us, since the children have been born, we have had three four major deployments. This doesn't include any of the small ones. I am talking 6+ months gone. Each deployment has been different. At various stages of life. When they are young and small, they don't understand distance and time. For them, they just know that a parent is missing. I know that my eldest is fully capable of letting me know how he is feeling. I know when he misses his father and I know what he is upset about it. As look at my other two uniquely different children, I can't help but wonder just how this might seem to them.

The past couple of weeks, with my husband home on R&R, I have seen some good memories being made. Especially with our two autistic children. Memories that my husband got have with his children. But they were also memories that my children got to have with their father. I think in a way it was beneficial for all of them. My autistic children may not be able to express how they are feeling in regards to their father, but that doesn't mean they don't experience the range of emotion that comes from making those memories with their Dad or those emotions that follow when he has to leave. It when you see the joy on their faces, when they see him. The love that they express when they are near him. That raw sadness when he has to leave.

In their own way, they deal with this military lifestyle. Like any child, they will have their moments. I look back at the past deployments, I remember just how they coped. For them to find understanding, it was done through different means. Whether it was always putting Daddy in drawings, asking 20 bizillion questions about him or even trying to initiate the type of play Daddy normally does. I have found that my unique children have their own ways of coping. Sure it doesn't fit into how the rest of the world does it, but it makes sense to them. 

I think that special needs children get lost in the flag waving, support the hero, military children are the bomb, mentality. People assume that they are unaware of what is going on. That they don't understand what it means to miss someone. When my husband was in Afghanistan, people thought my daughter didn't have a clue that he was gone, simply because she didn't talk about it, where my eldest did. But if you look at all of her art during that time, it didn't matter what the theme of the art work was, there was always her Daddy drawn somewhere in the background. Even with my non verbal 4 year old, it has been said to me.. " Well he probably doesn't know that his father is gone". I bet he does. Do you know how I know? Every time he sees a picture of his father or hears his voice, that little boy's face lights up like a Christmas tree. He might be able to express how he is feeling, but it shows that he misses him.

I guess what I am saying, is don't discredit these children. As they experience deployments or absences in their own right. What would be nice is if all those organizations that do things for military children, would do something for those who are special needs. It doesn't have to be much. Partner up with an EFMP coordinator. Get something going for families with special needs, who are going through deployment. I know that some areas to have social mixers for special needs, but not every place does. And when you see a special needs military family out and about, remember that every child in that family is going through the same range of emotions of having a family member deployed.

Remembering Those Times..

As I sat at the last IEP meeting for this school year, discussing, finalizing and making sure my child's next school year is going to one that is supported and sound, I couldn't help but reminisce about how things used to be. I do this every year. I always try to make a point to talk about how this child started out in this wonderful world of Autism.  I go back into the recesses of my brain to get back to the time when everything was a fight. Where as a parent, I looked at my child and wonder why people didn't want to help. Its funny, as it would have not taken much to get the ball rolling for this child. What was a consult to a specialist going to be worth just to set my mind at ease. That I wasn't going crazy and there was something going on with this child.

As I am listening to my child's SpEd teacher go over the demographics of the IEP, I am remembering a time when I was begging and pleading with my child's Doctor, just to get something. I honestly didn't care if it was a referral to a Gastrointestinal Doctor. I honestly felt that my maternal  instincts had been ignored. I remember throwing myself at this Doctor's mercy just to give me something. It took a year for this doctor to finally refer me to someone. Rather out of compassion, but annoyance, we got in to see a speech therapist. Finally something. From there we were put in touch to a developmental pediatrician. That is when we got the diagnosis. I knew what it was going to be. Intellectually, I accepted it. But my heart refused. From there we were put into a shitty school system, a psychiatrist that seemed to be crazier than a bag of hammers and wonderful world of judgement and ignorance.

I am flipping through the IEP, remembering where this child was when she started school. A 3 1/2 year non verbal, un potty trained shy child. One who hated loud noises and crowded areas. A child that would scream bloody murder when we had to go to the commissary. Or not play with the other children, because she didn't know how to. A child that was so scared of water, bathing was almost impossible. I remember sitting at my first IEP meeting, not knowing what to expect. It wasn't until her second that I wised up. I didn't let them bowl me over.

Looking at the part on whether or not this child qualifies ESY, I remember those summers where we couldn't do a lot because of this child's needs. The fear of water or fireworks. Unknown places and faces would set this child off.And of course there were the people who didn't get it. The ones who thought it was funny that this child flapped their arms wildly or the ones who thought this child needed to suck it up when it came to things they feared.

I remember all of this, as it is important to look back at your children's progress. Whether it be leaps and bounds or small baby steps. I look at this child's IEP as way to remember the struggle they once had. Sure it is always going to be a fight, but it shows you the strength these children have. It shows when faced with a challenge they face it head on and prove to the world that they are fighters. Along the way they are going to have a lot of people in their corner cheering or sometimes its just a few. But either way you are going to be that constant cheerleader.

I have three kids, that all have IEPs.This is just the story of one of them.  And each time I am sitting at their IEP meetings, I look back at where these children were. Through the times where they struggled and the times where they triumphed. I know that as long as the equation is right, these children will continue to grow and prosper in the own time. And when they peak, watch out world.