I have always thought of my body as this vessel. Sometimes it’s just shell of skin, bones and organs,
sometimes it’s a temple, but most times I think of it as a ship. Every now and
again, this ship springs leaks, breaks down or just simply refuses to propel
forward. Sometimes the engineering is off, or the software is obsolete. Either
way it sucks when the ship goes down. When it does, the white surrender flags
are put up. I guess this is my funny way of talking about chronic pain and
illness.
I never thought much about chronic illness or pain in myself (I have family members with Fibromyalgia, so I am not completely unaware of the toll it takes on a person), until I landed myself in the hospital a couple of months ago, thinking I had a bad stomach flu. As I sat there in the ER, feeling miserable, it never occurred to me that a stomach bug would be the catalyst to why I have been feeling off. It just so happened that the stomach bug flipped a switch in my body that made the “RED ALERT” sirens to go off.
I never thought much about chronic illness or pain in myself (I have family members with Fibromyalgia, so I am not completely unaware of the toll it takes on a person), until I landed myself in the hospital a couple of months ago, thinking I had a bad stomach flu. As I sat there in the ER, feeling miserable, it never occurred to me that a stomach bug would be the catalyst to why I have been feeling off. It just so happened that the stomach bug flipped a switch in my body that made the “RED ALERT” sirens to go off.
Now to backtrack here,
because let’s face it, everyone likes a good story. Back in January, when we
had snow on the ground, I am being the crazy person that I am, was out shoveling
snow. Not a big deal. I like to do that. Yes, I am nuts. After shoveling snow, I
normally have a few aches and pains. Growing old sucks. Don’t think too much
about it, pop a Motrin and move on with my life. As the weeks go by, I have
this dull pain in my left side. I get to thinking, well I must have pulled a
muscle, not a big deal for me. It comes and goes to the point where I just got
in the habit of popping a Motrin anytime it acted up. This goes on till one
fine week in May, when I get the flu.
With the flu, I know to keep my liquids up and rest. I took time off work, doing what I am supposed to do. Now normally the flu will be your best friend for about 24 hours, unless you are lucky, and you get some super nasty strain. After the third day of this literal shit show, I decided to go to urgent care, there they gave me IVs and sent me home with instructions on how to take Imodium properly. Long story short, I ended up in the ER of a hospital because my body went “NOPE!” CT scans and bloodwork were done. Turns out that the flu jumpstarted a raging case of diverticulitis and my colon was very unhappy. Remember all that discomfort I had back in January, that I thought was a pulled muscle? Yeah, no. It was diverticulitis. On top of that, they found that I had a nice sized nodule in the lower lobe of my right lung as well. His name is Ned, btw. Ned the Nodule.
For the past couple of months, between shuttling my special needs children back and forth to their own appointments, I have been doing my own collecting of doctors. I now have a Pulmonologist and a Gastrointestinal Specialist on healthcare my team. I have regular appointments with these fellows. I feel like I have won the medical lottery, or I am playing a medical version of BINGO.
While tests results come in, it turns out that polyps and diverticulosis are going to be my norm. Ned and his friends get to be monitored every couple of months. They better have a smile on their little nodule faces when their picture is taken again in September. That pain in my side, will always be there, as I am told. Some days good and some days not so good. I feel bad of course, when I am feeling at my worse, as that effects everyone.
I think that is my hang up about chronic pain and illnesses. The guilt. The guilt that you are not always going to be on top of your game. That sometimes you will feel that you have let people down, because your body hates you. I now fully understand the anger and irritability people who have chronic pain have. It sucks. It really is one of those things, that you aren’t going to fully understand, until you are rowing in that very same boat. This need to just feel better.
Now I know that my diagnoses aren’t life threatening, but they are life changing. Since my trip to the hospital, I have changed my eating habits (which to be honest, sucked). Right now, I am in the middle of a flare up and my colon hates me. No, I don’t feel well at the moment and bless my husband’s heart, he has been my rock. It isn’t easy, and a lot of people would have just tossed in the towel and left. I am sure it frustrates him when I am down for the count and when I am so discombobulated it ain’t even funny, it’s shocking he hasn’t said “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”
While we are still at this beginning of this fantastic voyage, I am slowly learning that it’s an “All Hands-on Deck” situation to get the ship buoyant again. Leaks need to be plugged, software updated and routine maintenance a must. While I am not anywhere near what happened to the Titanic, I have had some icebergs come my way. The damage done to my bow and stern are in repair, but the ship is still afloat, barely. I look forward to being in the yards for a while.
With the flu, I know to keep my liquids up and rest. I took time off work, doing what I am supposed to do. Now normally the flu will be your best friend for about 24 hours, unless you are lucky, and you get some super nasty strain. After the third day of this literal shit show, I decided to go to urgent care, there they gave me IVs and sent me home with instructions on how to take Imodium properly. Long story short, I ended up in the ER of a hospital because my body went “NOPE!” CT scans and bloodwork were done. Turns out that the flu jumpstarted a raging case of diverticulitis and my colon was very unhappy. Remember all that discomfort I had back in January, that I thought was a pulled muscle? Yeah, no. It was diverticulitis. On top of that, they found that I had a nice sized nodule in the lower lobe of my right lung as well. His name is Ned, btw. Ned the Nodule.
For the past couple of months, between shuttling my special needs children back and forth to their own appointments, I have been doing my own collecting of doctors. I now have a Pulmonologist and a Gastrointestinal Specialist on healthcare my team. I have regular appointments with these fellows. I feel like I have won the medical lottery, or I am playing a medical version of BINGO.
While tests results come in, it turns out that polyps and diverticulosis are going to be my norm. Ned and his friends get to be monitored every couple of months. They better have a smile on their little nodule faces when their picture is taken again in September. That pain in my side, will always be there, as I am told. Some days good and some days not so good. I feel bad of course, when I am feeling at my worse, as that effects everyone.
I think that is my hang up about chronic pain and illnesses. The guilt. The guilt that you are not always going to be on top of your game. That sometimes you will feel that you have let people down, because your body hates you. I now fully understand the anger and irritability people who have chronic pain have. It sucks. It really is one of those things, that you aren’t going to fully understand, until you are rowing in that very same boat. This need to just feel better.
Now I know that my diagnoses aren’t life threatening, but they are life changing. Since my trip to the hospital, I have changed my eating habits (which to be honest, sucked). Right now, I am in the middle of a flare up and my colon hates me. No, I don’t feel well at the moment and bless my husband’s heart, he has been my rock. It isn’t easy, and a lot of people would have just tossed in the towel and left. I am sure it frustrates him when I am down for the count and when I am so discombobulated it ain’t even funny, it’s shocking he hasn’t said “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”
While we are still at this beginning of this fantastic voyage, I am slowly learning that it’s an “All Hands-on Deck” situation to get the ship buoyant again. Leaks need to be plugged, software updated and routine maintenance a must. While I am not anywhere near what happened to the Titanic, I have had some icebergs come my way. The damage done to my bow and stern are in repair, but the ship is still afloat, barely. I look forward to being in the yards for a while.
Thank you for sharing. I have diverticulosis/diverticulitis too. It’s not good! I live on a diet of only a handful of foods, which keeps it at bay, but I’m probably malnourished which isn’t good. There’s a few good supplements too. They say that a large proportion of the population have diverticulosis with no symptoms. I’ve come to the conclusion that certain events in ones life are a catalyst in turning “osis” into “itis “. Stuff like physical injury, and even common stress. I read somewhere that even if you lose a lot of weight, it can trigger diverticulosis because you lose the facia needed to protect your colon (or something like that). I think most ppl are just disasters waiting to happen, in one way or another. It’s just bad luck that it happened to you. It’s important not to identify yourself by your disease. I hope life will be kind to you from now on.
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