There comes a time in someone's life where despite the all the things they do and the hard work they put into something or someone, the universe is still going to throw a wrench in it. I sit here to write something in the hopes of it being meaningful or encouraging to someone, but I just can't. I am just so tried of the amount of bullshit.
I am not going to sugar coat this post. Make it feel all sunshines and rainbows. The truth of the matter is, is that I am pretty angry at the world right now. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I am just tried of getting shitty news one memo at a time.I am not asking for someone to throw me a silver spoon or a magic wand. But just a small fucking break from the continual shit sandwich that keeps getting served to myself and my own. Seriously, LIFE, give it a break.
The other day as I am sitting in yet another countless doctor's office, receiving yet another test result for my youngest, where they are stating that my son is "Intellectually Impaired", another fancy phrase for the now dated, "Mentally Retarded" Just one more thing, that with along with Autism, Fragile X and seizures my son can add to his multiple diagnoses. Its like the world's shittiest brag sheet. I know this isn't the end of the world to some. And that there some things that are worse that this. But for me, I feel like it is a blow to the gut. As there is not one parent on this planet that wants their child to have a difficult life or a life they have to fight harder then the average person for. No parent wants that. I love my children very much and I would go to the ends of this great planet for each and every one of them, but god damnit, do I hate what afflicts them. I hate that genetics and environmental factors have put this on our children. I fucking hate it. I know in my heart that there was no way I could have stopped what was going to happen. Life is going to be what you make it. I will damn well make sure that all of my children get the most out of the life that has been given them.
I am left to deal with this anger. An anger that will make me want to work harder for my children. That anger will make me want to make this world a better place for them to live in, that includes their differences. But enough of the bullshit.
There is so much bullshit that surrounds those dealing with someone with special needs. And maybe its because I am angry about things, that makes me see the clear cut way through the amount of bullshit. I don't know. But it seems like not matter where you turn, there is a fog of bullshit. Insurance bullshit. School bullshit. Social bullshit. But there is never a person standing by to hand you a shovel to help you shovel through the bullshit. And I can tell you that I am tried of shoveling bullshit. It isn't as nearly as fun as shoveling snow. At least you can have fun with that.
I know things will get better. I know. They always do. But right now, I am allowed to be angry. I am allowed to have my "KHAN!?" moment. I am entitled to feel this way. And before I get the "God only gives you what you can handle." or " It is God's will or plan", I will caution people, that no, it's not any deity's plan or will. I have respected other's religious beliefs in a way, that if it doesn't impact me, then I don't care what you do. But when it comes to myself and my own, I don't feel that any deity has a place at my table, who thinks it's ok in their master plan to give children a difficult life. Religion has it's time and place. I am always accepting of positive energy or vibes, if that is prayer, then cool. If it is dancing in the moonlight naked,during a full moon, thanks. But out of everything that is said to me on a daily basis in regards to my situation, telling me that my son's intellectual impairment is the master plan of a some deity, will earn you, me walking away from you.
I get that this might lose me some followers, and to be perfectly honest, I don't care. If you follow me and know what I am about, you will understand my anger at the universe and the path that I have been on. If not, that is cool. This is just how I am feeling right now. If you feel the same way, then fantastic. Makes me feel like I am not rowing in this boat alone.I don't expect everyone to agree with me. Again, as I have always stated, I am not everyone's cup of tea. To each their own. I guess, if there is anyone out there who is a similar situations, to know that you are not alone and the feeling you have over a diagnosis are valid ones. You are allowed to be angry, upset. You are allowed to scream and yell and cry. Its all part of being a parent. Dealing with what will come. Someone once told me when our daughter got diagnosed...
" Life ain't easy, cupcake. Its all about how you live it. There are going to be times where its going to suck some shit. And you are allowed to get angry about it. But do something with that energy."
So here I am, doing something with that energy. One of the reasons I blog. To try and make this world a better place for all those children out there who see things differently.