As a parent you go through your journey trying to raise your
kids the best way you know how. You read the parenting books, you listen to the
experts and you take away the lessons you have learned from others. You
convince yourself that you have prepared your children for the real world. With
all the horrors that lie outside your front door, you pray that every time they
walk out, that nothing bad is going to happen to them. We as parents have nightmares
about trauma ever happening to our children. The old statement that when you
become a parent, kiss a goodnight’s sleep goodbye, there is some truth to that.
Even when you do your best, bad stuff still happens and it is what breaks your
heart as a parent when trying to pick up the pieces, wondering what went
wrong. It is more heartbreaking when you
are the parent of a special needs child, who doesn't understand why bad stuff
happens.
As a parent, you struggle with your own emotions during a
difficult time. You ask yourself, how could bad stuff happen to my child. I did
everything I could to ensure that child's safety. You start to re-evaluate
yourself and the way you parent. Deep down after you try to take all the hurt
away you are left with ‘Where do we go next?’ ‘How could I have let bad stuff
happen to my child?’ and ‘What steps do I have to do in order for my child to
heal?’
You go through these stages of guilt and paranoia. You don't want to let them out of your sight and you feel bad that you had no control over what happened to them. Oh… and you’re angry. So very angry. Angry at yourself, at the situation, and the all the hurt that the bad stuff caused. Being a parent is going to be one of the toughest gigs you will ever have. Yes, you have your joys, but damn the heartache. That’s the kicker right there. Especially when that heartache was caused by something that was beyond your control. When bad stuff happens to our kids, we become this bear like protector, full of rage and anger, ready to strike at anyone who dares to cross our paths and mess with our children. Sadly, most of us who are caretakers of those with special needs know all too well what it means to go into bear mode.
Our children, regardless of their diagnosis or the severity
of it, for the most part are resilient. The ability to bounce back from bad
stuff is remarkable. While they process things differently than us adults,
there is still that element of hurt and not understanding why things happen the
way they do. So when you have a child who experiences something like emotions
differently than the average person, it is hard for that understanding of
something to be acknowledged or processed. When bad stuff happens, it is going
to involved a different type of healing, a different approach for them to come
to terms with what has happened. Emotions and memories that may be blocked can come
out with certain behaviors. These behaviors aren't always understood by either
the child themselves, the people around them, or both. Sometimes for us
caregivers it is hard to have a conversation about something that is
uncomfortable with a person that doesn't understand what happened in the first
place. They don't understand why the hurt is there, because they don't quite
get the emotion behind those feelings.
In the past couple of week things on a personal scale, as
well as an outside world scale, have prompted this post. In the news as of late
where a severely autistic man’s therapist was shot right in front of him begs
the question of “How do our children or loved ones with special needs cope with
having trauma in their lives?” As we will always wonder how our loved ones’
process things anyway when trauma or bad stuff happens. We worry about the
lasting effects of it on our loved ones, as they have little to no
understanding of what has taken place. Fear might be the only recognizable response.
Something in that traumatic event might trigger a behavior that is
misunderstood. Sometimes a person doesn’t know how to handle it properly, even
special needs persons handles trauma differently. Even the word “Trauma” is
scary to anyone and a word that no one likes to hear. Especially a parent or
caregiver.
Hearing the words “Trauma” in regards to your own children
is one of the worst things a parent can hear. Doesn’t matter what kind of
trauma is being talked about; emotional or physical , the word alone
will make you sick to your stomach. It is a nightmare that no parent wants to
live. You try to be a good parent and do everything you think is right and
think that nothing bad will happen to you… until it does.
Many of you know that I write from personal experience. I
write in hopes that my stories will help others who might be in the same boat
as I am. For this particular subject I never thought in a million years that I
would have to deal with any sort of trauma in regards to my children on a
personal level. I can’t get into too much detail, but the last couple of weeks
have been especially hard to muddle through. I thought that parenting special
needs children normally was hard, but there is nothing harder than trying to
get your children through trauma they have experienced themselves. We are used
to a lot of things in this family; bullying, name calling, and a whole lot of
ignorance. We have weathered every storm that has hit us, bunkered down and
carried on. This storm though… this storm to date is our worst. This was our
Katrina or Sandy. We are still at the ‘trying to rebuild’ stage of our lives.
In time I will be able to expand, but for now it is what it is. The calm after
this storm is the support through it all. We are all about being healthy inside
and out. Maintaining communication and having open dialog when it’s needed. I
want to believe that this storm will not have lasting effects on my children,
but only time will tell.
If something has happened to yourself or your loved one Seek
Help. Even if you don’t think your loved one will understand, there are
psychologists that are trained to help those with cognitive disabilities with
trauma. Any kind of trauma. As it is the special needs kiddos are the ones who
are taken advantage of more often than not for the simple fact they just don’t
understand, but they have these feelings they need help navigating through.
Just because they might have a different reaction to trauma than the rest of us
doesn’t mean they haven’t experienced it.
We take one day at time. Some days are good and some aren’t.
I know in the end, we have the strength to keep moving forward, even if it is
just putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.
