Every word within the English language has a meaning and a purpose. Whether it be a word that describes, a word that pronounces or a word that is used to help make a sentence flow. Every single word has purpose. Now I am not going to sit here and give you all a lesson on pronouns, nouns, verbs and adjectives. But I am going to sit here and write about the power behind certain words within our language that have more meaning behind them, considering the power and emotion that is associated with them.
For the past couple of weeks, since Autism Acceptance Month has started, I have read and overheard different conversations concerning the word "Retard". For many people it is just a word. A word that started out as a medical term to describe the delay in something. It was more associated with the delay in mental development. Mental Retardation. Back in the age of my parents and grandparents, this was not considered an insult. It was just a way to describe the mental capacity of someone. But just as Intellectually Disabled stung for me, I am willing to bet that hearing those words back in the day stung just as much. Words and terms are always going to evolve, as society evolves and changes. The question that has to be asked is, is it right to use this word so freely? Using in the contexts of " Oh that is so retarded?" or " Don't be such a retard!" The answer lies within the special needs community. If you ask the vast majority of us, we will most strongly say that, No, its not ok to freely use the word "Retard". As it is right up there with words like " Nigger" or "Faggot" Words that you would never call someone.
Now I get that most of the English language is built off of dialects of old. Latin, being one of them. But words have essentially evolved, just as society has. For those who still continue to use the "Nigger" to describe an African American or a "Faggot" to describe those who are homosexual, have not evolved. Its the same for those who use the word "Retard" When you start to get past the medical aspect of that word, and use it as a source of an insult or in a derogatory matter, you are making light of a disability. Poking fun of something, that someone can't help about themselves. That is hurtful.
SO while you might think that saying "Retard" isn't a big deal to you, how would you feel if someone took something that is a part of you and something that can't be fixed or changed and made it a running joke? I bet you, that you wouldn't find it even remotely funny. As that is the trick to humans, we don't like it when our imperfections or things we can't change about ourselves are pointed out and ridiculed.When it comes down it, your self esteem gets slapped. And you hurt. So why is it any different for those who do have a disability they can't help having?
In some of the conversations, that I have had to hear on this subject, the main reasoning for not stopping the use of words that hurt, is this
" Only you can put the power into the words and get offended by it"
There is some truth to that. Yeah you are right. A person can personally take offense to the use of certain words. But the real power is the emotion behind the word and the person saying it. I can choose to ignore insults towards my children, but I can always choose to take a stand against the power that is propelling that word. So when a person uses the word "Retard" in front of me, it makes me wonder if it is ignorance or if that person just plain forgot. But people wouldn't forget with any of the other words that are derogatory. So with the social attitudes changing in regards to words, so should people.
I guess what I am asking is this, be aware of the choice of words. I know that it seems you can't talk about the wind changing direction without someone getting offended. But here's the deal. If you don't mean it, then don't say it. If you know it is not a nice word, don't use it. Because I will not feel sorry for those who will get an earful or more so from those who have to live with the stigma that "Retard" carries, for the rest of their lives.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Friday, April 3, 2015
50 Shades of Blue
Every year most of us autism families gear up for the month of April for the so called "Light it Blue" campaign, in order to let the world know that we are loud and proud of our autistic family members. The blue light bulbs come out, blue puzzle pieces everywhere, from nails to bumper stickers. And if that is your thing, than mazel. But for a lot of us, we are somewhat drowning in the sea of 50 shades of blue. Its not to say that we don't want to promote Autism Awareness and or Acceptance, we do. We just want to do it in our own way.
With Autism being more and more relevant in our society, I understand the need to educate and accept. But I think the trick to it all is learning how to co-exist with people who don't fit into your brand of what normal is. And for us parents and caregivers, it is an ongoing battle to break people of this thought process and the misconceptions of what Autism is. Which is why in the beginning, Autism Speaks started the whole "Light it up Blue" campaign. Which when it started, the concept of it was great. But through the years and the evolution of what this campaign was meant to be, has since lost it's way. Autism Speaks, for the most part, tried in a very corporate way, to get education out there for the general public to understand what Autism is, while losing the humanity of what autism is. In lament terms, its all about making money. Now, don't get me wrong, when we got our first diagnosis, AS was great with the "First 100 Days" binder they sent out. It was a perfect way for newly anointed Autism Parents, to educate themselves for what is going to be coming down the road for both them and their children. It was almost like the map they give when you enter an amusement parks. Y'know the ones that give you a little description of each ride, where the bathrooms are and the food court is.But for me, that was all it was. And the more I learned about what AS was about, the more it seem like a company or a brand name, rather that a source of support. But that is just me.
When I look back through the years since our first diagnosis, I remember what got us through things. What helped and what didn't. The snappy come backs to the ignorant and uneducated remarks. And I will admit that, at first I was all about lighting the house up blue, so blue that smurfs would get jealous over the blueness. And the puzzle pieces, that would make my life look like a walking Ravensburger Puzzle 3D style. As my children grew and new challenges came up, my focus for Awareness and Acceptance during the month of April changed. People are very aware of my children when we go out into the real world. There is no denying that. There was no amount of blue or puzzle pieces out there, that was going to change how the world viewed my children. My thought was and still is, if you are eager to learn about something, experience it. Sometimes the best way to learn about something, is a hands on approach. I am not saying invite yourself to someone's house to observe what autism is like daily. But if you are curious, most of us, are willing to answer questions, just don't be an asshole about it. There are so many assumptions that people make about autism. They see a glimpse of what it is really like. There are joys and there are pains. And like everyone else, we have our good days and bad. It's in a different sphere and handled differently. Is it a somewhat demanding lifestyle, which not everyone understands, which is why we don't need judgmental assholes in our lives.
When it all comes down to it, there is more to April than just lighting up things blue or scattering puzzle pieces everywhere. If you are one of the few that know a family with an autistic loved one or someone who has autism, the best thing you can do, is let them know that you accept them, love them and support them. Help them out when they need someone through the tough times. If we truly want the world to see exactly what Autism is, its going to take more that just 50 Shades of Blue and a whole lot of puzzle pieces.
Patience and Education.
With Autism being more and more relevant in our society, I understand the need to educate and accept. But I think the trick to it all is learning how to co-exist with people who don't fit into your brand of what normal is. And for us parents and caregivers, it is an ongoing battle to break people of this thought process and the misconceptions of what Autism is. Which is why in the beginning, Autism Speaks started the whole "Light it up Blue" campaign. Which when it started, the concept of it was great. But through the years and the evolution of what this campaign was meant to be, has since lost it's way. Autism Speaks, for the most part, tried in a very corporate way, to get education out there for the general public to understand what Autism is, while losing the humanity of what autism is. In lament terms, its all about making money. Now, don't get me wrong, when we got our first diagnosis, AS was great with the "First 100 Days" binder they sent out. It was a perfect way for newly anointed Autism Parents, to educate themselves for what is going to be coming down the road for both them and their children. It was almost like the map they give when you enter an amusement parks. Y'know the ones that give you a little description of each ride, where the bathrooms are and the food court is.But for me, that was all it was. And the more I learned about what AS was about, the more it seem like a company or a brand name, rather that a source of support. But that is just me.
When I look back through the years since our first diagnosis, I remember what got us through things. What helped and what didn't. The snappy come backs to the ignorant and uneducated remarks. And I will admit that, at first I was all about lighting the house up blue, so blue that smurfs would get jealous over the blueness. And the puzzle pieces, that would make my life look like a walking Ravensburger Puzzle 3D style. As my children grew and new challenges came up, my focus for Awareness and Acceptance during the month of April changed. People are very aware of my children when we go out into the real world. There is no denying that. There was no amount of blue or puzzle pieces out there, that was going to change how the world viewed my children. My thought was and still is, if you are eager to learn about something, experience it. Sometimes the best way to learn about something, is a hands on approach. I am not saying invite yourself to someone's house to observe what autism is like daily. But if you are curious, most of us, are willing to answer questions, just don't be an asshole about it. There are so many assumptions that people make about autism. They see a glimpse of what it is really like. There are joys and there are pains. And like everyone else, we have our good days and bad. It's in a different sphere and handled differently. Is it a somewhat demanding lifestyle, which not everyone understands, which is why we don't need judgmental assholes in our lives.
When it all comes down to it, there is more to April than just lighting up things blue or scattering puzzle pieces everywhere. If you are one of the few that know a family with an autistic loved one or someone who has autism, the best thing you can do, is let them know that you accept them, love them and support them. Help them out when they need someone through the tough times. If we truly want the world to see exactly what Autism is, its going to take more that just 50 Shades of Blue and a whole lot of puzzle pieces.
Patience and Education.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The Military Puzzle Pieces...
There are two things in this house that identifies with us. One, we are a proud Military family, who supports a military member. Two, we are also an Autism Family that supports not only one child with autism but two. With April being Autism Acceptance Month, as well as Month of the Military Child, we have cause to make society aware that we are indeed a family that celebrates and accepts both. Now most times I state, that being a parent and supporter of children with Autism is a full time gig, guiding children who live the military lifestyle, never ends, both aspects, well into adulthood. Both things, in retrospect need to be recognized. I know that there are quite a good number of families out there that are rowing in the same boat as I am. They have children who are on the spectrum and a loved one in the military. So the month of April for us is celebrating the Military Puzzle Piece.
Now through the sea of blue, puzzle pieces and patriotic flags and yellow ribbons, most of us military families are just trying to get through not only the autism aspect of our lives, but the military aspect of our lives. Now I don't want to sit there and say that we all have it worse off, or that we are entitled to a lot. As we are all just human beings dealing with what life has given us, in the best possible way we can.I do want to touch upon what it is like for us families that have more that just one factor going on in our lives, as there is so many of us. We all have things going on in our lives. Military or Civilian. That is something that shouldn't be ignored on either side, as you never know what battles people are fighting. Nor should the strife of either side should ever be ignored or be devalued. The military is just one facet of our lives that I can talk about, as is Autism, ADHD and Fragile X, and considering the month of April encompasses two of those facets in my life, I can write about them.
April, the Month of the Military Child, started when I discovered that I was pregnant with our first born. He was born without his father being present, which like so many other military babies. My husband missed his birth by 3 days. The trend continued with our daughter. Hers, he missed by 4 months. And well Little Man's he was actually home for, which was surprising. As I look at birth certificates, we had our children all over the place. From SC to HI. As that was really the beginning of what it means to be a military child. Having a birth certificate from a far off place. Through out the years, as my children grew and started understanding what it really meant to be a child of a service member, they started to be aware of the world around them. It was my husband's deployments, that showed the world, just how resilient my children could be. The strength that they carried through the long deployments, were what got me through them. Recently we just finished doing an unaccompanied tour. For my children, it was the longest they had ever been away from their father. For those two years, they handled themselves, through everything that was thrown at them, with honor and grace. Sure they had their moments of doubt and moments of lashing out, but they are just children. And in the end, they got through it all. They might not know it now, but in the long run, it helps them deal with what life can throw at you.
April, Autism Acceptance month, started with our first diagnosis. Our daughter. A diagnosis of any kind will change what kind of parent you are. From the summer of 2008, we were now parents of a child that had Autism. At the time, we had no idea, just how much this would impact our lives. From the very start, it was an uphill battle. Not only with schools but where we were stationed, the medical support was somewhat lacking. We had terms like ABA therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy thrown at us, but with no help in getting these services for our daughter. At the time we were experiencing what so many before us had gone through. But also in a way, it opened doors for us. I found that there was a community of people who, with their own experiences, where there to help and support. And I have to say that I have met some pretty darn awesome people because of my child's diagnosis. So when it come down to figuring out what was going on with my youngest, I had people to help me through it.
There are times where these two aspects of our life combine. Where my military puzzle pieces make the world aware of just what it means to be a autistic military child. My unique children, don't always understand military protocol or deployments the way others would do. And even within our own military circles we still face ignorance. Whether or not it is at Command functions or trying to deal with our insurance not covering vital therapies that would be beneficial to our children. It's still there. Case in point. When our daughter was just newly diagnosed, my husband had just finished his 6 wks Chief training. His pinning ceremony was in the morning. Our daughter had not seen her father for a bit, and just wanted to be with him. My husband, who wanted his children to be part of something that was important in his naval career, asked for them to be there. Which was fine, as they were not the only children there. But our daughter, didn't understand why she couldn't be with her father. At the time, she was non verbal, and made very loud guttural sounds. We got to the point where we had to pin my husband's anchors on. He held our daughter's hand while our eldest and I finished the task. When it was time to sit back down, our daughter was distressed at leaving her Daddy and started to have a meltdown. I sat back down with our children and tried my best to soothe her. One of the other wives, turned back to me and promptly told me, to remove my child, as she was disrupting the ceremony for the rest. At time, I got up in tears and left. While this was a momentousness occasion in my husband's life, I could not get past what had happened. It was my first taste of ignorance when it came to autism and children. I had another Chief follow me to the parking lot to try to help the situation. But I will never forget the words and look on that other wife's face, as I tried my best to parent my child the best way I could.
SO the month of April, hold so much for us. Not only for Autism Acceptance, but also celebrating my children as military children. I have always held firm not to call them "Military Brats", as they are far from brats. They deal with what life has thrown at them, with more grace and honor than most adults. In truth, it isn't just about it being a month. It is our way of life, Both Autism and Military. Eventually, when my husband retires, the military aspect will lessen, but it will always be part of our lives. Our children will look back at being a military child and remember the lessons they learned about how to deal with life. The Autism aspect, will always be with us.
The thing to remember is that whatever aspects you have going on in your life, don't ever stop spreading awareness and acceptance, no matter what circles you live within.
Now through the sea of blue, puzzle pieces and patriotic flags and yellow ribbons, most of us military families are just trying to get through not only the autism aspect of our lives, but the military aspect of our lives. Now I don't want to sit there and say that we all have it worse off, or that we are entitled to a lot. As we are all just human beings dealing with what life has given us, in the best possible way we can.I do want to touch upon what it is like for us families that have more that just one factor going on in our lives, as there is so many of us. We all have things going on in our lives. Military or Civilian. That is something that shouldn't be ignored on either side, as you never know what battles people are fighting. Nor should the strife of either side should ever be ignored or be devalued. The military is just one facet of our lives that I can talk about, as is Autism, ADHD and Fragile X, and considering the month of April encompasses two of those facets in my life, I can write about them.
April, the Month of the Military Child, started when I discovered that I was pregnant with our first born. He was born without his father being present, which like so many other military babies. My husband missed his birth by 3 days. The trend continued with our daughter. Hers, he missed by 4 months. And well Little Man's he was actually home for, which was surprising. As I look at birth certificates, we had our children all over the place. From SC to HI. As that was really the beginning of what it means to be a military child. Having a birth certificate from a far off place. Through out the years, as my children grew and started understanding what it really meant to be a child of a service member, they started to be aware of the world around them. It was my husband's deployments, that showed the world, just how resilient my children could be. The strength that they carried through the long deployments, were what got me through them. Recently we just finished doing an unaccompanied tour. For my children, it was the longest they had ever been away from their father. For those two years, they handled themselves, through everything that was thrown at them, with honor and grace. Sure they had their moments of doubt and moments of lashing out, but they are just children. And in the end, they got through it all. They might not know it now, but in the long run, it helps them deal with what life can throw at you.
April, Autism Acceptance month, started with our first diagnosis. Our daughter. A diagnosis of any kind will change what kind of parent you are. From the summer of 2008, we were now parents of a child that had Autism. At the time, we had no idea, just how much this would impact our lives. From the very start, it was an uphill battle. Not only with schools but where we were stationed, the medical support was somewhat lacking. We had terms like ABA therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy thrown at us, but with no help in getting these services for our daughter. At the time we were experiencing what so many before us had gone through. But also in a way, it opened doors for us. I found that there was a community of people who, with their own experiences, where there to help and support. And I have to say that I have met some pretty darn awesome people because of my child's diagnosis. So when it come down to figuring out what was going on with my youngest, I had people to help me through it.
There are times where these two aspects of our life combine. Where my military puzzle pieces make the world aware of just what it means to be a autistic military child. My unique children, don't always understand military protocol or deployments the way others would do. And even within our own military circles we still face ignorance. Whether or not it is at Command functions or trying to deal with our insurance not covering vital therapies that would be beneficial to our children. It's still there. Case in point. When our daughter was just newly diagnosed, my husband had just finished his 6 wks Chief training. His pinning ceremony was in the morning. Our daughter had not seen her father for a bit, and just wanted to be with him. My husband, who wanted his children to be part of something that was important in his naval career, asked for them to be there. Which was fine, as they were not the only children there. But our daughter, didn't understand why she couldn't be with her father. At the time, she was non verbal, and made very loud guttural sounds. We got to the point where we had to pin my husband's anchors on. He held our daughter's hand while our eldest and I finished the task. When it was time to sit back down, our daughter was distressed at leaving her Daddy and started to have a meltdown. I sat back down with our children and tried my best to soothe her. One of the other wives, turned back to me and promptly told me, to remove my child, as she was disrupting the ceremony for the rest. At time, I got up in tears and left. While this was a momentousness occasion in my husband's life, I could not get past what had happened. It was my first taste of ignorance when it came to autism and children. I had another Chief follow me to the parking lot to try to help the situation. But I will never forget the words and look on that other wife's face, as I tried my best to parent my child the best way I could.
SO the month of April, hold so much for us. Not only for Autism Acceptance, but also celebrating my children as military children. I have always held firm not to call them "Military Brats", as they are far from brats. They deal with what life has thrown at them, with more grace and honor than most adults. In truth, it isn't just about it being a month. It is our way of life, Both Autism and Military. Eventually, when my husband retires, the military aspect will lessen, but it will always be part of our lives. Our children will look back at being a military child and remember the lessons they learned about how to deal with life. The Autism aspect, will always be with us.
The thing to remember is that whatever aspects you have going on in your life, don't ever stop spreading awareness and acceptance, no matter what circles you live within.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
The Joke's on You...
Laughter is one the best things that can lift up the human spirit when it needs to be picked up. Sharing a joke among friends can sometimes break the ice. The joke ceases to be funny when the intent or the punchline is hurtful to others.
Making jokes at the expense of others is nothing new. It has been going on throughout the ages. From the time of the old bard, Shakespeare making jokes about the Moors in his plays and sonnets to the "Short Bus Jokes" of today, racial jokes and discriminating jokes have always been around. The sad part is, there is no shame when making them. What is even more sad, is there is no remorse about it, either.
Now I am not going to get on my high and mighty stead and start preaching about how I never laughed at a joke about a race, religion or a certain group of people, as that would hypocritical of me to do so, but I will note, that since my children, I have become more aware of the impact that jokes about other people have not only on my own children, but the message types of jokes can carry. In a way it paves the way for budding discrimination and bullying. Which to me isn't right. In our youth, we didn't think about the impact, that laughing at short bus jokes would do. Its when you become an adult, you start to see the social impact certain jokes have on the people they are about.
It seems that in past decade or so, that jokes made concerning disabilities has been made more mainstream, and while I have been told that " Hey, its just like every other joke made about others, what's the big deal?", I tend to reply, "Would you like this joke to be about you or a loved one, specifically?" 9 times out of 10 the person will reply no. And sometimes I get the occasional person who doesn't care. But I have often found that when the tables are turned, the laughter tends to stop short. A lot of people miss the bigger picture when trying to get a laugh. But it seems that some have missed this mark.
Comedians like DH Hurley and now Steve Harvey, who knowingly poked fun at the Intellectually Disabled, have come under fire from the Autism Community. Right fully so. It would be a different story if a Caucasian comic poked fun of the African American Community or vice versa. There would be mentions of racism thrown out and apologies given. So why isn't there the same when it comes to offending the Special Needs Community? Now I get that Steve Harvey issued his own half assed apology to the Autism Community over his gaffe on his morning show, but that still doesn't stop the continual onslaught of jokes poking fun of people with Autism or other developmental disorders. And before anyone wants to question, whether or not I have a sense of humor, I do. There are lots of things that I find funny in this world that don't involve making someone or a group of people feel bad about themselves. Because what people don't understand, is that people like Hurley or Harvey have a fan base. They have people that hang on to every word and joke that comes out of their mouths. So really what kind of example does that set? That its ok to make fun of a group of people, but when someone does it to them, that isn't ok? Its a nice double standard isn't it? These two are only two out of the many who have used Special Needs as a punchline to a joke.
With Autism Acceptance Month, around the corner, this just proves to all of us advocates, that there is more need for education. Education on diversity. Education on how to deal with the diversity of others.
In all seriousness, when it comes down to it, when opening your mouth to say anything, think to yourself, is this going to be something that is going to hurt someone? Is it something that is going to make me feel better and them feel smaller? And if it is, then don't say it. And if you feel the need to make a joke at someone's expense, it only makes you look like an asshole and then the joke is on you.
Making jokes at the expense of others is nothing new. It has been going on throughout the ages. From the time of the old bard, Shakespeare making jokes about the Moors in his plays and sonnets to the "Short Bus Jokes" of today, racial jokes and discriminating jokes have always been around. The sad part is, there is no shame when making them. What is even more sad, is there is no remorse about it, either.
Now I am not going to get on my high and mighty stead and start preaching about how I never laughed at a joke about a race, religion or a certain group of people, as that would hypocritical of me to do so, but I will note, that since my children, I have become more aware of the impact that jokes about other people have not only on my own children, but the message types of jokes can carry. In a way it paves the way for budding discrimination and bullying. Which to me isn't right. In our youth, we didn't think about the impact, that laughing at short bus jokes would do. Its when you become an adult, you start to see the social impact certain jokes have on the people they are about.
It seems that in past decade or so, that jokes made concerning disabilities has been made more mainstream, and while I have been told that " Hey, its just like every other joke made about others, what's the big deal?", I tend to reply, "Would you like this joke to be about you or a loved one, specifically?" 9 times out of 10 the person will reply no. And sometimes I get the occasional person who doesn't care. But I have often found that when the tables are turned, the laughter tends to stop short. A lot of people miss the bigger picture when trying to get a laugh. But it seems that some have missed this mark.
Comedians like DH Hurley and now Steve Harvey, who knowingly poked fun at the Intellectually Disabled, have come under fire from the Autism Community. Right fully so. It would be a different story if a Caucasian comic poked fun of the African American Community or vice versa. There would be mentions of racism thrown out and apologies given. So why isn't there the same when it comes to offending the Special Needs Community? Now I get that Steve Harvey issued his own half assed apology to the Autism Community over his gaffe on his morning show, but that still doesn't stop the continual onslaught of jokes poking fun of people with Autism or other developmental disorders. And before anyone wants to question, whether or not I have a sense of humor, I do. There are lots of things that I find funny in this world that don't involve making someone or a group of people feel bad about themselves. Because what people don't understand, is that people like Hurley or Harvey have a fan base. They have people that hang on to every word and joke that comes out of their mouths. So really what kind of example does that set? That its ok to make fun of a group of people, but when someone does it to them, that isn't ok? Its a nice double standard isn't it? These two are only two out of the many who have used Special Needs as a punchline to a joke.
With Autism Acceptance Month, around the corner, this just proves to all of us advocates, that there is more need for education. Education on diversity. Education on how to deal with the diversity of others.
In all seriousness, when it comes down to it, when opening your mouth to say anything, think to yourself, is this going to be something that is going to hurt someone? Is it something that is going to make me feel better and them feel smaller? And if it is, then don't say it. And if you feel the need to make a joke at someone's expense, it only makes you look like an asshole and then the joke is on you.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Accepting Individual Uniqueness: Yours, Mine, and Ours.
Over the weekend, my husband and I got to witness two very dear friends get married. It was a small, quiet event. The picturesque place that the wedding was held at had, happily accommodated 50 or so people from mixed back grounds. It was a lovely mixture of both military and civilian friends and family, joining together to wish this happy couple the best of wishes as they set forth together in a brand new life. Now I know what most of you are thinking, it's a wedding, there are lots of people that get married, everyday. You see, it was two sailors that got married on Friday. Not that two sailors don't get married everyday either, but there were two grooms, which made this wedding even more special.
As I sat there among friends that I haven't seen since we were stationed in Hawaii, watching this room full of people, who wouldn't have attended if they didn't support this couple, mix and mingle. The conversations flowing from how special these two people are, and a wedding done right. I am reminded that when it really comes down to it, it is the respect and love all of us have for these two people, who are simply just being themselves. Love is just love. Very simple.
It made me question, Why is it so hard for people to just accept others for who they are?
I am a mother of three very special children. Who, in their own right, need to fight for their right to be accepted. And in time they will become adults. It would be nice if when that happens there is a world out there, that is going to accept them for simply being who they are. Even as children, they are still faced with people's ignorance. They may not recognize or realize it, as ignorance is a learned behavior, but as they grow they will learn the cruelties of the world. That not every person is a good person. That there are some that have been taught to dislike and even hate those who are different from themselves. It's one of the reasons that I try to instill in my own children, that they need to accept people for who they are. But they don't have to accept hateful behaviors. In my mind, if I want acceptance for my children, who are very unique and offer the world a different perspective, then why wouldn't I accept others for the person they are. That doesn't mean that I will accept hateful and disrespectful behavior. But I do understand that a person hasn't been taught or hasn't learned that there is more to life than discriminating against another person for differences.
I tend to think that my children have made me a more accepting person. Seeing the uniqueness that everyone has to offer this world. The different perspectives that can been seen, if I took the time to get to know a person. Because when you think about it, if you are trying to fight for acceptance for your children and their right to be part of society, but yet you can't accept someone else's, due to their lifestyle, colour of skin or even religion, then why should people hear your fight for your child? It is very easy to say one thing, but yet do another.
As I think fondly back to Friday night's events, I think back to the two people who now have the right to be recognized as just two people who love each other and I hope in time, that the world will be able to see everyone in that same light, just as a room full of people did for this couple. It gave me a little bit of hope that when my children are adults, that society will accept them for who they are.
I will end by saying this, that it doesn't matter where you come from, what you do, or even what gives you the special gifts you can offer the world. For me, you will always get the respect from me for just being simply you. I am not asking for people to change their ways. I get that there are some things in life that people are going to disagree with. But if you are going to take up arms over people not accepting your loved ones for who they are, then you need to be prepared to extend that same courtesy to those who are different from yourself.
As I sat there among friends that I haven't seen since we were stationed in Hawaii, watching this room full of people, who wouldn't have attended if they didn't support this couple, mix and mingle. The conversations flowing from how special these two people are, and a wedding done right. I am reminded that when it really comes down to it, it is the respect and love all of us have for these two people, who are simply just being themselves. Love is just love. Very simple.
It made me question, Why is it so hard for people to just accept others for who they are?
I am a mother of three very special children. Who, in their own right, need to fight for their right to be accepted. And in time they will become adults. It would be nice if when that happens there is a world out there, that is going to accept them for simply being who they are. Even as children, they are still faced with people's ignorance. They may not recognize or realize it, as ignorance is a learned behavior, but as they grow they will learn the cruelties of the world. That not every person is a good person. That there are some that have been taught to dislike and even hate those who are different from themselves. It's one of the reasons that I try to instill in my own children, that they need to accept people for who they are. But they don't have to accept hateful behaviors. In my mind, if I want acceptance for my children, who are very unique and offer the world a different perspective, then why wouldn't I accept others for the person they are. That doesn't mean that I will accept hateful and disrespectful behavior. But I do understand that a person hasn't been taught or hasn't learned that there is more to life than discriminating against another person for differences.
I tend to think that my children have made me a more accepting person. Seeing the uniqueness that everyone has to offer this world. The different perspectives that can been seen, if I took the time to get to know a person. Because when you think about it, if you are trying to fight for acceptance for your children and their right to be part of society, but yet you can't accept someone else's, due to their lifestyle, colour of skin or even religion, then why should people hear your fight for your child? It is very easy to say one thing, but yet do another.
As I think fondly back to Friday night's events, I think back to the two people who now have the right to be recognized as just two people who love each other and I hope in time, that the world will be able to see everyone in that same light, just as a room full of people did for this couple. It gave me a little bit of hope that when my children are adults, that society will accept them for who they are.
I will end by saying this, that it doesn't matter where you come from, what you do, or even what gives you the special gifts you can offer the world. For me, you will always get the respect from me for just being simply you. I am not asking for people to change their ways. I get that there are some things in life that people are going to disagree with. But if you are going to take up arms over people not accepting your loved ones for who they are, then you need to be prepared to extend that same courtesy to those who are different from yourself.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
The Change of Command: The Spouse turn over.
Two years ago, my husband and I made the decision for him to do a two year tour away from the family. Instead of uproot the kids and I, we stayed put, right where we are. The schooling was perfect, the medical support was where it needed to be. It has been a long two years. Life has thrown a lot at both of us collectively, to test our limits. But we both trucked through it all and manged to come out ok. So despite the very long two years, he finally came home this week. And like anyone who is returning from being away from their family for a long period of time, adjustment back into our lives, is slow and steady one.
Like many other military families, we too, are faced with the issues that arise from them not being in our lives much for a good amount of time. And for us, it seems that every time my husband deploys, the children have their own medical crisis. To which I am faced to deal with alone. Its one thing to deal with a diagnosis together, but its another thing to face it by yourself and then have the task of relating everything said at the doctor's office to your spouse on either a crappy internet connection or a phone line. And believe me it's no picnic trying to tell your spouse something important concerning their children over a crappy line. But with all that, you still have to manage your life and your children's life and everything that comes with it. Assessments, Doctor Appointments and school meetings. I can honestly say that I have done all of those for each child, by myself. Now I am not saying that my spouse didn't want to be there for any of those, but the circumstance of our lives made it impossible for him to be part of that world. And it is a world that consumes a good portion of your life. But the question is, what happens when they come back?
You get so used to your routine. Your children are used to the routine. And now you have to get your spouse used to the routine. And for a person who hasn't been there for a long period of time, looking at the calender, can be confusing. In a way, you wish you could just do a power point presentation for them to try to bring them up to speed. So when you have children, who have multiple things going on and their own set of Doctors you have to remember, it almost looks like the world's worst calculus problem. And on top of everything else you have on your schedule, you now have to include integrating your spouse back into your lives. It's not an easy task. As they are going to have their own questions and quandaries. And yes there is going to be times, where they will challenge the, WHY, WHAT, WHO, WHERE and the WHEN of things. They may not like a certain doctor, or the way they have managed their child's care. Even though, you have been seeing this doctor for awhile now and see nothing wrong with the level of care or the way the IEP is set up. The one thing that has to be remembered, is that is ok for input or suggestions, but the returning spouse has to remember that this is the life that has been lived. It is the lifestyle that works well with you and your children. It is going to take some time, but eventually they will fall in line. And if they don't then, it is more about them accepting the situation as it is, not you trying to make them accept it.
I made sure that I had conversations with my husband before he came home. I laid it out for him. I didn't sugar coat things. This is how we do things, these are the behaviors and quarks that you will need to get accustomed to and these are all the doctors and therapists we see during a month. Yes it is going to take time for you to get used to it all, but Welcome home, this is your life. One thing I asked of him, is to not tell me how to do the job I have been doing in his absence. As I have sailed this ship, The USS Special Needs for awhile now. I am the CO of this particular ship and he can take the job of XO.
I think the hardest thing about having your spouse come home, especially after there has been a diagnosis given in their absence, is acceptance. While you have had the time to digest the information given to you, it is a whole new world for them. When they left, it was a different life. So not only do they have to deal with coming back to a lifestyle they have missed out on, they also have to deal with the reality of that lifestyle, which includes the special needs aspect. While I was trying my best to inform my spouse all that was going on with his children, I know he felt that being far away from us, made him useless. He had his own range of emotions to sort out when it came to dealing with our son's recent diagnosis. And of us spouses, that live and breathe our child's medical problems, we have to remember that. Our spouses have to go through the same kind of emotions. Anger, Sadness and grieving what once was. They will do it in their own way, but they need to be allowed to have those emotions.
Right now, I am just so happy that he is home. Not for my sake, but for his. Just as I have had time to process everything, and still continue to do so, he is taking the time to understand his own children. Its not going to be an overnight deal. Its going to take time. Even the families who don't have special needs in their lives, need time to integrate back into family life. But he is taking his time. Taking time to observe and learn. And I think that helps him understand why we do things the way we do. I know it isn't easy for him. As it is like walking away from one way of life and into another. And I need to respect that and accept it. No, its not always going to be like that and its going to take a couple of months, but at least there is effort on both parts to make this work.
At the end of the day, they are back home. Whether or not it is for a little bit or for good. And if your spouse wants to have a meaningful relationship with their children, they will help you with the task you both have to ensure these children's future. Again there will be questions along the way, but you have to remember that this is like throwing a polar bear into the desert and expecting it to understand it's environment. It isn't going to end well.
In the end, I wish that integration was as smooth as ice, but in reality its not. There are going to be bumps along the way. And when the time comes and the honeymoon period has run it's course, both of you need to prepare yourselves for the reality that is yours and yours alone. Support each other. Listen to each other. Don't discredit feelings. Let them learn and ask questions. If you want a partner to be there for you during the rough times, you need to be there them as well. But also forgive when mistakes are made and remember that they are also trying to understand and process everything that has been put in front of them.
And in the military brain, it is almost like a change of command. Not taking your responsibilities away so much, but being there when you need the strength and support to propel the ship forward. The watch standard just changed, that is all.
Like many other military families, we too, are faced with the issues that arise from them not being in our lives much for a good amount of time. And for us, it seems that every time my husband deploys, the children have their own medical crisis. To which I am faced to deal with alone. Its one thing to deal with a diagnosis together, but its another thing to face it by yourself and then have the task of relating everything said at the doctor's office to your spouse on either a crappy internet connection or a phone line. And believe me it's no picnic trying to tell your spouse something important concerning their children over a crappy line. But with all that, you still have to manage your life and your children's life and everything that comes with it. Assessments, Doctor Appointments and school meetings. I can honestly say that I have done all of those for each child, by myself. Now I am not saying that my spouse didn't want to be there for any of those, but the circumstance of our lives made it impossible for him to be part of that world. And it is a world that consumes a good portion of your life. But the question is, what happens when they come back?
You get so used to your routine. Your children are used to the routine. And now you have to get your spouse used to the routine. And for a person who hasn't been there for a long period of time, looking at the calender, can be confusing. In a way, you wish you could just do a power point presentation for them to try to bring them up to speed. So when you have children, who have multiple things going on and their own set of Doctors you have to remember, it almost looks like the world's worst calculus problem. And on top of everything else you have on your schedule, you now have to include integrating your spouse back into your lives. It's not an easy task. As they are going to have their own questions and quandaries. And yes there is going to be times, where they will challenge the, WHY, WHAT, WHO, WHERE and the WHEN of things. They may not like a certain doctor, or the way they have managed their child's care. Even though, you have been seeing this doctor for awhile now and see nothing wrong with the level of care or the way the IEP is set up. The one thing that has to be remembered, is that is ok for input or suggestions, but the returning spouse has to remember that this is the life that has been lived. It is the lifestyle that works well with you and your children. It is going to take some time, but eventually they will fall in line. And if they don't then, it is more about them accepting the situation as it is, not you trying to make them accept it.
I made sure that I had conversations with my husband before he came home. I laid it out for him. I didn't sugar coat things. This is how we do things, these are the behaviors and quarks that you will need to get accustomed to and these are all the doctors and therapists we see during a month. Yes it is going to take time for you to get used to it all, but Welcome home, this is your life. One thing I asked of him, is to not tell me how to do the job I have been doing in his absence. As I have sailed this ship, The USS Special Needs for awhile now. I am the CO of this particular ship and he can take the job of XO.
I think the hardest thing about having your spouse come home, especially after there has been a diagnosis given in their absence, is acceptance. While you have had the time to digest the information given to you, it is a whole new world for them. When they left, it was a different life. So not only do they have to deal with coming back to a lifestyle they have missed out on, they also have to deal with the reality of that lifestyle, which includes the special needs aspect. While I was trying my best to inform my spouse all that was going on with his children, I know he felt that being far away from us, made him useless. He had his own range of emotions to sort out when it came to dealing with our son's recent diagnosis. And of us spouses, that live and breathe our child's medical problems, we have to remember that. Our spouses have to go through the same kind of emotions. Anger, Sadness and grieving what once was. They will do it in their own way, but they need to be allowed to have those emotions.
Right now, I am just so happy that he is home. Not for my sake, but for his. Just as I have had time to process everything, and still continue to do so, he is taking the time to understand his own children. Its not going to be an overnight deal. Its going to take time. Even the families who don't have special needs in their lives, need time to integrate back into family life. But he is taking his time. Taking time to observe and learn. And I think that helps him understand why we do things the way we do. I know it isn't easy for him. As it is like walking away from one way of life and into another. And I need to respect that and accept it. No, its not always going to be like that and its going to take a couple of months, but at least there is effort on both parts to make this work.
At the end of the day, they are back home. Whether or not it is for a little bit or for good. And if your spouse wants to have a meaningful relationship with their children, they will help you with the task you both have to ensure these children's future. Again there will be questions along the way, but you have to remember that this is like throwing a polar bear into the desert and expecting it to understand it's environment. It isn't going to end well.
In the end, I wish that integration was as smooth as ice, but in reality its not. There are going to be bumps along the way. And when the time comes and the honeymoon period has run it's course, both of you need to prepare yourselves for the reality that is yours and yours alone. Support each other. Listen to each other. Don't discredit feelings. Let them learn and ask questions. If you want a partner to be there for you during the rough times, you need to be there them as well. But also forgive when mistakes are made and remember that they are also trying to understand and process everything that has been put in front of them.
And in the military brain, it is almost like a change of command. Not taking your responsibilities away so much, but being there when you need the strength and support to propel the ship forward. The watch standard just changed, that is all.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Enough with the Bullshit.
There comes a time in someone's life where despite the all the things they do and the hard work they put into something or someone, the universe is still going to throw a wrench in it. I sit here to write something in the hopes of it being meaningful or encouraging to someone, but I just can't. I am just so tried of the amount of bullshit.
I am not going to sugar coat this post. Make it feel all sunshines and rainbows. The truth of the matter is, is that I am pretty angry at the world right now. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I am just tried of getting shitty news one memo at a time.I am not asking for someone to throw me a silver spoon or a magic wand. But just a small fucking break from the continual shit sandwich that keeps getting served to myself and my own. Seriously, LIFE, give it a break.
The other day as I am sitting in yet another countless doctor's office, receiving yet another test result for my youngest, where they are stating that my son is "Intellectually Impaired", another fancy phrase for the now dated, "Mentally Retarded" Just one more thing, that with along with Autism, Fragile X and seizures my son can add to his multiple diagnoses. Its like the world's shittiest brag sheet. I know this isn't the end of the world to some. And that there some things that are worse that this. But for me, I feel like it is a blow to the gut. As there is not one parent on this planet that wants their child to have a difficult life or a life they have to fight harder then the average person for. No parent wants that. I love my children very much and I would go to the ends of this great planet for each and every one of them, but god damnit, do I hate what afflicts them. I hate that genetics and environmental factors have put this on our children. I fucking hate it. I know in my heart that there was no way I could have stopped what was going to happen. Life is going to be what you make it. I will damn well make sure that all of my children get the most out of the life that has been given them.
I am left to deal with this anger. An anger that will make me want to work harder for my children. That anger will make me want to make this world a better place for them to live in, that includes their differences. But enough of the bullshit.
There is so much bullshit that surrounds those dealing with someone with special needs. And maybe its because I am angry about things, that makes me see the clear cut way through the amount of bullshit. I don't know. But it seems like not matter where you turn, there is a fog of bullshit. Insurance bullshit. School bullshit. Social bullshit. But there is never a person standing by to hand you a shovel to help you shovel through the bullshit. And I can tell you that I am tried of shoveling bullshit. It isn't as nearly as fun as shoveling snow. At least you can have fun with that.
I know things will get better. I know. They always do. But right now, I am allowed to be angry. I am allowed to have my "KHAN!?" moment. I am entitled to feel this way. And before I get the "God only gives you what you can handle." or " It is God's will or plan", I will caution people, that no, it's not any deity's plan or will. I have respected other's religious beliefs in a way, that if it doesn't impact me, then I don't care what you do. But when it comes to myself and my own, I don't feel that any deity has a place at my table, who thinks it's ok in their master plan to give children a difficult life. Religion has it's time and place. I am always accepting of positive energy or vibes, if that is prayer, then cool. If it is dancing in the moonlight naked,during a full moon, thanks. But out of everything that is said to me on a daily basis in regards to my situation, telling me that my son's intellectual impairment is the master plan of a some deity, will earn you, me walking away from you.
I get that this might lose me some followers, and to be perfectly honest, I don't care. If you follow me and know what I am about, you will understand my anger at the universe and the path that I have been on. If not, that is cool. This is just how I am feeling right now. If you feel the same way, then fantastic. Makes me feel like I am not rowing in this boat alone.I don't expect everyone to agree with me. Again, as I have always stated, I am not everyone's cup of tea. To each their own. I guess, if there is anyone out there who is a similar situations, to know that you are not alone and the feeling you have over a diagnosis are valid ones. You are allowed to be angry, upset. You are allowed to scream and yell and cry. Its all part of being a parent. Dealing with what will come. Someone once told me when our daughter got diagnosed...
" Life ain't easy, cupcake. Its all about how you live it. There are going to be times where its going to suck some shit. And you are allowed to get angry about it. But do something with that energy."
So here I am, doing something with that energy. One of the reasons I blog. To try and make this world a better place for all those children out there who see things differently.
I am not going to sugar coat this post. Make it feel all sunshines and rainbows. The truth of the matter is, is that I am pretty angry at the world right now. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I am just tried of getting shitty news one memo at a time.I am not asking for someone to throw me a silver spoon or a magic wand. But just a small fucking break from the continual shit sandwich that keeps getting served to myself and my own. Seriously, LIFE, give it a break.
The other day as I am sitting in yet another countless doctor's office, receiving yet another test result for my youngest, where they are stating that my son is "Intellectually Impaired", another fancy phrase for the now dated, "Mentally Retarded" Just one more thing, that with along with Autism, Fragile X and seizures my son can add to his multiple diagnoses. Its like the world's shittiest brag sheet. I know this isn't the end of the world to some. And that there some things that are worse that this. But for me, I feel like it is a blow to the gut. As there is not one parent on this planet that wants their child to have a difficult life or a life they have to fight harder then the average person for. No parent wants that. I love my children very much and I would go to the ends of this great planet for each and every one of them, but god damnit, do I hate what afflicts them. I hate that genetics and environmental factors have put this on our children. I fucking hate it. I know in my heart that there was no way I could have stopped what was going to happen. Life is going to be what you make it. I will damn well make sure that all of my children get the most out of the life that has been given them.
I am left to deal with this anger. An anger that will make me want to work harder for my children. That anger will make me want to make this world a better place for them to live in, that includes their differences. But enough of the bullshit.
There is so much bullshit that surrounds those dealing with someone with special needs. And maybe its because I am angry about things, that makes me see the clear cut way through the amount of bullshit. I don't know. But it seems like not matter where you turn, there is a fog of bullshit. Insurance bullshit. School bullshit. Social bullshit. But there is never a person standing by to hand you a shovel to help you shovel through the bullshit. And I can tell you that I am tried of shoveling bullshit. It isn't as nearly as fun as shoveling snow. At least you can have fun with that.
I know things will get better. I know. They always do. But right now, I am allowed to be angry. I am allowed to have my "KHAN!?" moment. I am entitled to feel this way. And before I get the "God only gives you what you can handle." or " It is God's will or plan", I will caution people, that no, it's not any deity's plan or will. I have respected other's religious beliefs in a way, that if it doesn't impact me, then I don't care what you do. But when it comes to myself and my own, I don't feel that any deity has a place at my table, who thinks it's ok in their master plan to give children a difficult life. Religion has it's time and place. I am always accepting of positive energy or vibes, if that is prayer, then cool. If it is dancing in the moonlight naked,during a full moon, thanks. But out of everything that is said to me on a daily basis in regards to my situation, telling me that my son's intellectual impairment is the master plan of a some deity, will earn you, me walking away from you.
I get that this might lose me some followers, and to be perfectly honest, I don't care. If you follow me and know what I am about, you will understand my anger at the universe and the path that I have been on. If not, that is cool. This is just how I am feeling right now. If you feel the same way, then fantastic. Makes me feel like I am not rowing in this boat alone.I don't expect everyone to agree with me. Again, as I have always stated, I am not everyone's cup of tea. To each their own. I guess, if there is anyone out there who is a similar situations, to know that you are not alone and the feeling you have over a diagnosis are valid ones. You are allowed to be angry, upset. You are allowed to scream and yell and cry. Its all part of being a parent. Dealing with what will come. Someone once told me when our daughter got diagnosed...
" Life ain't easy, cupcake. Its all about how you live it. There are going to be times where its going to suck some shit. And you are allowed to get angry about it. But do something with that energy."
So here I am, doing something with that energy. One of the reasons I blog. To try and make this world a better place for all those children out there who see things differently.
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